I’ve written and re-written this post for what feels like a thousand times. I’ve racked my brain over and over again to find the perfect way to say it but there really isn’t one. I thought, foolishly, that maybe waiting would somehow lead to me getting struck with inspiration and the words would magically appear on the screen so I wouldn’t have to think or type them but it’s been two months of radio silence from me and I’m realizing that the lighting strike just isn’t happening.
The truth is, I’ve been seriously depressed and the thought of having to fake, even for a second, that my life is all beauty and glitter and sparkles just nauseated me. It still does actually. I didn’t magically get better and I’m still very much feeling the blues, but part of the stress and dread I’ve been feeling directly relates to leaving my blog untouched for months.
Sunday, August 7th after a lot of arguing and crying I called off my wedding. I’m not ready to go into the details of what happened and why, so I’ll just say that my then fiancée really screwed up and showed me he wasn’t really ready to get married. I was then faced with the decision of sweeping it under the rug or calling it all off and giving him some space to grow and mature. I know it’s not really a decision people understand but even now, months later, I’m happy I made the mature decision.
The worst part, aside from the obvious not getting married bit, has been telling everyone it’s off. For the most part everyone has been very respectful and supportive without my having to go into the gory details every time. My close friends and family have been great. They’ve been kind and understanding and have put up with me at my lowest of low points (which included wandering aimlessly in an Asian supermarket with a dirty shirt and no bra as I sobbed uncontrollably every time we passed the wedding cakes in the bakery department). Acquaintances however have been less kind. I was shocked to find out that after you start telling people that the wedding is off they oftentimes feel compelled to pry and ask questions. I understand it’s natural to be curious, but if you’re ever in the same situation, I guarantee you won’t want to answer the same heart wrenching question dozens of times. To add further to the clusterfuckiness, we didn’t actually break up, just called off the wedding, and so people have also felt entitled to investigate that aspect of the drama.
All this to say, blogging hasn’t really been on the forefront of my mind. I know that’s really shitty of me and I’m incredibly sorry if I’ve let anyone down. I’ve taken my time to reflect and go on a very low-budget eat-pray-love experience (where I’ve stuffed my face with more Dominos $5 pizza than I should probably admit to) and now I’m ready to move forward and continue this little blogging adventure.
I know many people have questioned my decisions and while I respect everyone’s opinion this has been a deeply personal choice and one I’m not really looking for input on, so please be kind, both to me and anyone who has gone through something like this.